Saturday, December 10, 2011

Real Men Wear...

I would first like to say how pissed I am that I just wrote a huge, long blog about one of the many things that men should change about themselves-starting with what they wear... But I guess the gods were against it and thought I was being too harsh. Let's start over, shall we?

I'm going to open with a wise quote by the all-knowing Cher Horowitz of Clueless: "I don't get how guys dress today. I mean, it looks like they just rolled out of bed, put on a pair of baggy pants, and take their greasy hair, ugh! and cover it up with a backwards cap and, like, we're expected to swoon... I don't think so!"

I get it, boys- I really do. You are just sooo masculine and sooo unconcerned with looks and fashion because you are too consumed with your fantasy football team, protein shakes, and other manly things. Don't get me wrong-- I am not one to turn down a guy who can exude sex appeal while only wearing basketball shirts, a tee, and a hat. However, while some guys can pull off the "I'm so hot, I can just wake up, put on a t-shirt and throw on a baseball cap and look completely irresistible" look, the majority of men certainly cannot. Just as we are expected to put on a little bit of make-up, brush our hair, and show a little bit of leg, chest, or both, you are expected to NOT look like a complete slob. Unless your name is Ryan Reynolds or Paul Walker, who can walk out of the house only wearing a sock covering their ding dong, this post applies to you.

It's wintertime now and "throwing on" clothes no longer works, especially now. You can't just pick up a pair of jeans and a t-shirt off of your un-vacuumed carpet floor and be on your way. It's chilly out- you need a sweater, a jacket, or maybe even some sort of head protector from the breezy wind. Luckily for you, I'm here to answer a few questions you may have for this holiday season with some examples from Kitson Men (

Do you have extreme bed head and need something to cover it up, but the baseball cap isn't keeping your pretty little head warm enough?

Opt for a beanie. Girls are suckers for beanies. It gives you the "I don't give a f*ck about what I'm wearing and just threw this on" look while looking hot and keeping your head warm, too.

Krochet Kids International
Adult's Black 5207.5 Beanie

Do you have to run to class or want to hang out with friends and recently finally realized that basketball shorts or God-forbid... sweats are just not appropriate and even offensive to the eyes of others?

Wear jeans. It takes the same amount of time slipping on a pair of these and slipping on a pair of those wastes of fabric. It's simple, really. Just make sure they're fitted, dark-washed, and kept up. Simple. As. That. Well... Actually, I take that back. I do have a few rules when it comes to jeans.

1. Really. Keep it simple! I do not know how to stress this enough. Just pick a nice, dark pair- void of any "distressed wear", studs, paint, colorful stitching, large logos, glitter, sequins, or whatever else pansies wear on their jeans now. I repeat, NO LARGE LOGOS. Keep the label-whoring to us, ok boys? I don't mind a pair of nice designer jeans, just keep it subtle... but when I see a True Religion logo larger than my head on your ass, I want to convert to a different religion- one with a God that doesn't allow such hardships and suffering to take place in this world. And yes, the suffering I am referring to is me having to look at your attention-needing denim.

2. Color is important. and easy. Go for dark, dark, dark. Do not even lay a finger on things that are labeled "light wash". I am talking about those disgusting Wrangler jeans.. whenever I see those sad excuses for denim, I want to wrangle whoever is wearing them. Just don't do it. You're not mowing a lawn, herding cattle, or tending your crops. And even if you were, I would feel like projectile vomiting everywhere anyway.

3. Like Cher said, baggy is a no-no. If you feel like you can fit a small, Cambodian child in your pants, you shouldn't wear them. End of story.

Here below are great example of ideal denim. And if you're feeling a little adventurous, go for another exciting color... Gray!


1st: $188. 7 for All Mankind Standard Ghost Squiggle Denim.
2nd: $198. Dylan George & Co. George Coated ISK Pants.
3rd: $178. 7 for All Mankind Slimmy 2.0 Skinny Denim.

Are you a little chilly but don't want to resort to the sweatshirt you wear everyday with the bold, lettering of the name of whatever college you go to?

This sweater needs no explanation. Just as easy to pull over as the sweatshirt 400 other kids are wearing that day, but more put together and better fitting.

Alternative Apparel
Timbers Hoodie

Are you going to a kickback or casual holiday party but don't want to look too dressed up, yet want to look more put together?

Go for a dressier sweater, like the last 2 pictured below. Sweaters are simple and look good on any body type. It's comfortable to wear and girls love the cozy look. Also, button-ups would be perfect too. Picking the right fabric is key-- it determines how formal or not the look is that you are going for. As for the one below, it is casual enough to wear out in the day, yet dressy enough to go out at night.


1st: $128. J.C. Rags Dusty Denim Button Up.
2nd: $268. Autumn Cashmere Wide Stripe Crew Sweater
3rd: $78. Original Paperbacks Clothing V-Neck Berkeley

Are you bored with your outfit and wish you had some sort of accessory to personalize it a bit?

Invest in a good watch! Forget any other accessory-- bracelets, necklaces, earrings, and worst of all, rings. Those will make you look like someone Clay Aiken would be interested in dating. Stick to a nice, masculine watch. The more monochromatic (same color), the better. Nothing too huge or flashy is what you're aiming at. 

1st: $275. Michael Kors Black Runway Chronograph Watch
2nd: $400. Nixon Black Rubber Watch

I apologize if this post was a little boring and lack-luster. It got old after a while, especially since I was already more than half-way done with this same one before it all got deleted. Just remember, real men wear real clothes-- not just sweats or t-shirts that you've had since high school. Put a little more effort in, boys, and maybe you'll actually get some. ;)

All these items are from


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